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Tuesday, 21 July 2009
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The 5 Worst Dating Show Ideas Ever
I've been spending a lot of time on abc.com lately (because of my Lost addiction), so I've seen plenty of commercials for their new dating show "Dating in the Dark". Basically, the premise is they stick two strangers in a light-sealed room and force them to interact with each other. It sounds like the worst idea for a dating show ever, but it can't possibly be as bad as these:5. Dating Underwater
"Because who needs good conversation when you've got hand signals and sharks?"4. Two Entrees and a Baby
"We take two young singles and let them bond over drinks, then they get a baby with their meal. Hilarity ensues!"
3. Canoe of Love
"Why is light beer like making love in a canoe? It's fucking close to water."
2. Take me to Church or Lose Me Forever
"Can this Christian sweetheart teach one nonbeliever to love her and her God?"
1. I'm Allergic to Peanuts and We're Eating Thai; I Hope You're a Doctor or at Least a Paramedic or this Relationship isn't Going to Last Very Long
"Does she know what it takes to use an Epi-pen? Find out before it's too late!I apologize for all the awful Photoshop jobs.
Wednesday, 08 July 2009
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A Bit of Shamless Self-Promotion
I started Fun with Yahoo! Answers a little over a month ago for my own amusement and I've been having a lot of fun with it. It's everything I love doing on the internet - making people laugh while being a complete asshole and getting away with it. You can visit the site HERE and discover gems like the following. Enjoy.
Tuesday, 07 July 2009
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My 5 Most Irritating TV Characters
Let's start off by saying that I really don't watch a lot of television, but the shows I do watch I watch religiously. Now I'm a pretty easy going guy, so it takes an awful lot to annoy the hell out of me. So you know you're in trouble when you're on one of my favorite shows and I can't wait for you to get off the screen so someone more interesting can do and say something more exciting. These are the five most personally irritating TV characters who I could easily live without.Ana Lucia - Lost
In my last post about my Lost-induced insomnia, I discussed how addicted I am to the show. I'm currently a little more than halfway through season two, and though the excitement had waned for a while, things started picking back up again with the Lockdown episode. Anyway, one of the reasons why I'm not so into season two is Ana Lucia. She's just irritating, and I'm not exactly sure why - though it might have something to do with the fact that she's a grumpy, bossy, gun-loving bitch who killed Shannon. I have no idea if she dies later on (please don't ruin it for me), but it would be a death that I certainly looked forward to.I hate reality television and everyone on it. Everyone. If you were on a reality show I'd hate you. If I were on a reality show I'd hate me. If Ghandi were on a reality show I'd be worried because Ghandi's dead. I'm sure there are many people who share my sentiments toward all the Speidis and the Daisys out there. But the worst and most irritating of them all is little miss New York. We first discovered her when she pretended to fall in love with an oversized pug* and now we watch her make $10,000 being and idiot and screwing up every job she's given while the hardworking and competent regular employees make minimum wage. Just out of curiosity I did a Google Image search for "New York" to see how early this lovely creature showed up. Dissapointingly, the answer is the second row of page three. Doesn't that seem kind of ridiculous? You'd think there'd be enough pictures of the Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty to fill a whole three pages, but I guess not.
Jenna - 30 Rock
There is a limited number of television programs that I consider good enough to dedicate the time and energy it takes to watch every single episode. 30 Rock is one of those programs. Unfortunately, Jenna is one of the main characters on that program and has been in most of those episodes. Sure she has her moments, and watching her and Tracy compete over everything can be fun, but generally I consider her a giant waste of time. It doesn't help that there's another naive and incompetent character on the show (Kenneth) who is actually a whole lot funnier than Jenna. In fact, I think the show would be better if they just dressed him up in a blonde wig and had him play Jenna.Kelly - The Office
It started as a pretty good gag, but now Kelly just gets on my nerves. Sure it used to be funny that she hit on everything and got used by Ryan twice, etc, etc...but at this point Kelly just seems useless. I guess it's not so much what she does that's irritating (although she does talk incessantly), but how she sounds that makes it so awful. Her voice is so grating that listening to her does for your ears what smoking does for your lungs. I'm pretty sure that by the the time The Office is off the air I'll be deaf just from listening to Kelly speak. I actually had a similar problem with an English teacher in high school. Her class was fine, but I had to drop it because her voice was causing my ear drums to decay at an alarming rate. I even had a doctors note to prove it.
The Guests - The Daily Show/Colbert Report
I won't go out of my way to watch The Daily Show or the Colbert Report, but if I'm not doing anything else and I'm near a TV I'll definitely sit and watch them. The first part of the show is always hilarious and that's actually how I get a lot of my news, but I hate when they bring guests on. Granted, they aren't really characters, but remember that I don't watch a lot of television so I needed something to fill out the list. The problem with the guest portion of the show is that Jon and Stephen spend the entire show making fun of everyone, and then the guest comes on and all of a sudden they're Mr. Nicey Nice Guy (well, not so much Stephen). The guests are never anyone interesting either. It's always some sort of hippie or aspiring tire salesmen who doesn't have anything interesting to say. The only reason why I watch these shows is to see them make fun of everyone, which for some reason doesn't happen when the guests are on.
Everyone - Every Reality Show Ever
*Little-known fact: Flavor Flav actually left "Flavor of Love" after three episodes. An oversized pug named Crinkles was brought on to complete the season as well as two others.
What TV characters irritate you the most?
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
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Cereal is Endangering the Lives of our Children
It's not the cereal itself that's the problem, it's the mascots. Many cereal companies have cartoon mascots, which makes perfect sense considering their marketing their product to children. Cartoons are bright, colorful, and generally non-threatening. The problem is, the real-life counterparts of these mascots aren't any of that. Here is a short list of cereal mascots that misrepresent themselves and lure children into a false sense of security.Tony the TigerSure, Tony may look like a nice guy. He plays sports, he's got the James Earl Jones voice, he's bi-curious (the bandana is a dead giveaway), but Tony is lying to children about what tigers are really like. You know what every kid is thinking as he walks up to the tiger's cage in the zoo? "Oh hey, a tiger. Like Tony the Tiger. I bet he's good at soccer. I bet he thinks things are great." Well you know what the tiger's thinking? "Man, I'd really like to eat your face. Oh, and some Frosted Flakes for dessert would be awesome." Then one day, that kid grows up and goes to Africa on a safari and meets a tiger. Unless he's some sort of tiger mind reader, he has no idea that the tiger wants to eat his face. So he kicks a soccer ball over to the tiger, and the tiger eats his face. And then has some Frosted Flakes. Because they're great.
Count Chocula
To be fair, Count Chocula doesn't have as much of an effect on children's attitudes towards vampires as a certain group of rather sparkly ones, but this author is so ashamed of that aspect of his own culture that he refuses to mention it. Also this is an article about cereal mascots. The point is, when I think of vampires the first thing that comes to mind should NOT be chocolate. In fact I'm pretty sure vampires don't even like chocolate. But what is Count Chocula teaching our children about vampires? A) Vampires love chocolate. 2) Vampires have buck teeth. iii) Vampires look good in brown. Now my knowledge of vampires is rather limited, but I'm pretty sure the scary looking guy on the right didn't just pull his face out of a red velvet cake. Also he has what looks like about 32 very healthy, very pointy teeth that would love to rip a hole right through your flesh. Also no one looks good in brown. NO ONE.Lucky
What's the first thing when you think of leprechauns? Rainbows and pots of gold right? Well what's the first thing you SHOULD be thinking of? How about Jennifer Aniston running through the woods trying to get away from this guy for an hour and a half? Well, you can thank the Lucky for this horrible misrepresentation of leprechauns. Lucky Charms commercials are teaching children that they should be seeking out leprechauns and chasing them - blatantly trying to put children in harms way. What the commercials aren't showing is the part where the leprechaun turns on them, skins them alive, and wears their skin as clothing. It actually makes sense that the cereal has marshmallows in it though. It's just like a leprechaun to try to turn the entire world diabetic.The Honeycomb Thing
I'm not quite sure what the Honeycomb thing is, but it's scary as hell. The fact that it kinda looks like a cracked-out lion that can only say "Honeycomb! Honeycomb!" makes me not want to eat cereal so much as lock that thing up before it robs a bank with a screwdriver to pay for its very expensive heroin-filled bagel addiction. What makes me even more worried is that the kids in the commericals actually change into this thing and do strange things, like this commerical where the boy suddenly morphs into the Honeycomb thing and then seduces some bears by dressing in drag and batting his eyelashes. Look, I understand. I like cereal too. But I'm not going to sell my body to wild animals just to get my fix. I feel like that's how AIDS started. Thanks Honeycomb thing, you give our children AIDS.
Friday, 26 June 2009
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What's your top non-sexual fantasy?
It was recently scientifically proven that men prefer food over sex which totally makes sense because my greatest non-sexual fantasy is to be able to eat pretty much whatever I want with no repercussions and never getting full. It would be amazing to be able to have thirty pizzas and not absolutely destroying my digestive system or getting fat or dying. All of which are probable if you eat thirty pizzas.
So what's your greatest non-sexual fantasy? It doesn't even have to be physically possible. Be creative. The winner gets a Kit Kat courtesy of yours truly.
PatKearnan
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- Member Since: 5/5/2009
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I'm a sarcastic bastard and you shouldn't take anything I say seriously. Especially the previous sentence. www.beerandvideogames.com
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